Radio Script -WPLongform. Learning Curves.

Working on 30 mins. I think, with 5 scenes, I’m about half way through.

LEARNING CURVES

FX FADE IN TRACK: “JUST THE WAY YOU ARE”/BILLY JOEL.

FX Scene 1 – Int. Day – MITCH’S LIVING ROOM
MUSIC FADES OUT UNDER DIALOGUE AS PHRASE, “DON’T GO CHANGING JUST TO PLEASE ME, I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.” IS REACHED.

CARL I went to bed… slept as usual…

MITCH Yes?

CARL Woke up-

MITCH (INTERRUPTING) Came as a shock, did it?

CARL Just shut up and listen!

MITCH Well get on with it!

CARL Can’t. You got any booze?

MITCH At nine O’clock in the morning?

CARL A strong one… better get one yourself.

MITCH Coming up… Are you going to tell me or what? Just don’t go all girly on me.

FX DRINK BEING POURED.

MITCH Here, one hair-of-the–dog. What..? What have I done now?

CARL Girly? Did you say girly?

MITCH Hey, calm down Carl! Only thought you were getting a bit too near your feminine side… Come on, mate; what is it?

CARL When I woke up this morning…

MITCH Yeah?

CARL This morning when I woke up…

MITCH Oh, for God’s sake!

CARL I was a woman.

MITCH You were a… WHAT?!

CARL A woman.
MITCH Oh.

CARL Oh?! Oh?! All you can say is ‘Oh’?! Cheers mate.

MITCH You mean… you’ve gone gay?

CARL You can’t go gay! You go training or clubbing or drinking, not gay. I’ve gone FEMALE! I’m a bird, a tart; I’m a woman, for God’s sake. I’ve got boobs!

MITCH Well, to be fair, you always have had…

CARL WHAT?

MITCH ‘Moobs’ then, man-boobs, you must have heard the lads after football? Steve swears blind you’ve got bigger tits than his missus… Ow!

FX SCUFFLING SOUNDS AND GRUNTS ETC. AS CARL LUNGES AT MITCH.

MITCH Argh…! Settle down…! You need more drink.

FX MITCH LEAVES ROOM. BOTTLES BEING UNSCREWED. FRIDGE DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES. ICE CUBES DROPPED INTO DRINK. CHINK OF METAL AGAINST GLASS AS LIQUID IS STIRRED.

MITCH I’ve made a jug. All the leftovers from Christmas with a bit of lemonade.

FX DRINK POURED. ICE CUBES CHINK

CARL Cheers.

MITCH Carl…? If you’re female now… do you fancy blokes?

CARL NO! I don’t, pervert; I fancy women!

MITCH Well, doesn’t that make you a les-

CARL (INTERRUPING) That’s it. I should have known…I’ve had enough. I’m off.

MITCH Sorry, I’m not laughing… Well, I am, but what would you do?

CARL I’d try to help. At least you could try to-

MITCH (INTERRUPTING)I spent all last night trying to bloody help!

CARL What?

MITCH I even dumped the bird I was with to un-weld you from some dodgy slapper. I poured you into a cab – and paid for it – got you into your pit safely and then had to walk all the way home by myself.

CARL Sorry mate.

MITCH Then I’m woken, at the first crack of sparrows, by you telling me you’ve gone female?

CARL God. What am I going to do?

MITCH Sit down Carl; tell me how you knew… Don’t look at me like that… I’m sorry…

CARL How I knew?! Just look at me. How do you think I knew?

MITCH Talking to you is like playing pass-the-parcel with a hand-grenade! Start at the beginning. I promise I’ll try not to-

CARL (INTERRUPTING)Laugh and you’re dead!

MITCH Just give me a minute then, ok? Be right back.

FX A DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES. MUFFLED HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER. DOOR RE-OPENS AND MITCH RETURNS

MITCH Right, I’m all yours.

Scene 2 – Ext. Day – BEACH
FX WIND GUSTING. WAVES WASHING OVER SHINGLE. GULLS SCREAMING. OCCASIONAL SHOUTS FROM EXCITED CHILDREN.

MITCH What was wrong with telling me at mine? It’s bloody arctic out here!

CARL I needed to get out, besides, it’s not that cold.

MITCH Oh, yes it is!

CARL Why are you laughing…? What are you looking-

MITCH (INTERRUPTING) You. Nipples like chapel hat-pegs; told you it was cold!

CARL Oh shit! I can’t walk around with these… AND LOOK AT MY FACE WHEN YOU TALK TO ME!

MITCH They’ve grown; even since this morning! Look, we’ll call off at Boots and get you something to strap them down with. (CHUCKLING) Do Gossard do crepe bandages?

CARL What?

MITCH Nothing… Did you honestly not feel anything during the night? All that stretching. Didn’t it hurt?

CARL I was beyond feeling, remember?

MITCH So it was only when you went for a pee, first thing?

CARL Yeah. I reached down and there it was. Gone.

MITCH What did you do?

CARL I sat down, stupid, I still needed to pee.

MITCH No. What did you do then?

CARL What did you expect me to do? Look under the bed for it? See if I’d left it on the dresser with my keys and wallet?

MITCH (MUSING) My mum tried for years to get us to sit down. She said…

CARL (INTERRUPTING) ‘Snot helping, Mitch!

MITCH Course not, sorry…Did you find it harder to get dressed this morning?

CARL What?

MITCH Deciding what to wear? Whether your bum looked big?

FX MITCH LAUGHING AS CARL CHASES HIM. RUNNING ON SHINGLE.

CARL I’m warning you, Mitch!

MITCH Last one to the car is a big girl’s blouse!

FX Scene 3 – Int. Day – IN MITCH’S CAR
THE CAR IS PARKED WITH THE ENGINE RUNNING. OTHER VEHICLES PASSING OCCASIONALLY. FADE IN TRACK: “BLACK MAGIC WOMAN”/FLEETWOOD MAC SEGUE INTO…

MITCH BRRR! Soon have it warmed through.

CARL Tell me more about last night. What was she like, that girl I was with when we left the club? Why did you drag me away?

MITCH She was with someone. If I hadn’t dragged you away you’d have been filled in by her bloke! No, she was nice actually.., not like the one I dumped when I came to sort you out!

CARL Did I cock things up for you?

MITCH Could say that! One minute I’m onto a promise, she’s all over me like a…

CARL (INTERRUPTING) Rash?

MITCH Nah, more like a steamroller! God, she went mental when I peeled her off and ran over to you! Didn’t like being left!

CARL Was it bad?

MITCH Yeah, she followed me screaming and cursing! I think she was trying to thump me, but the bouncers grabbed her and held her back.

CARL Cursing? What did she say?

MITCH Actually, you helped me out; I used you as a shield to get past her-

CARL (INTERRUPTING) What did she say?

MITCH Oh, how did I think it felt? Being picked up and dropped? Telling me I’d soon find out? Usual libber crap!

CARL You’d soon find out? Mitch, that’s not libber crap?

MITCH Whatever. What a witch! A panic-pull, but better than nothing at the end of the night. Until you take off the beer-goggles, that is.

CARL Witch…? That’s it. Don’t you see? That must be it! She was a witch!

MITCH Hang on, mate, ok, granted she was no oil painting, but-

CARL (INTERRUPTING) She was a witch! It’s the only explanation! I’ve been cursed, hexed, whatever. But why? Why me?

FX THE FOLLOWING LINE IS SPOKEN TOGETHER.

CARL OH MY GOD!
MITCH OH MY GOD!

CARL It was-

MITCH (INTERRUPTING) meant for me!

CARL Think, come on, Mitch. Think! What exactly did she say?

MITCH Well…The last thing I clearly remember is that she said she’d see me next week and I could tell her how it’d been-

CARL (INTERRUPTING) Had been?

MITCH Yeah, when I was dragging you out backwards-

CARL (INTERRUPTING) But she definitely said had been?

MITCH Yeah, as far as I can remember, but…that means-

CARL (INTERRUPTING) I have to walk around all week carrying your bloody curse!

MITCH Well…Look on the bright side, mate! At least with your moobs you were halfway there! Ouch! What are you doing? Get off!

FX SOUND OF SCUFFLE.

MITCH That’s enough, pack it in or we won’t make the shops!

FX INCREASED ENGINE NOISE AND INDICATOR CLICKING AS MITCH WAITS TO JOIN TRAFFIC.

FX Scene 4 Ext. DAY – STREET
BUSY WITH SHOPPERS AND TRAFFIC. SNATCHES OF CONVERSATION FROM PASSERS-BY. STRAINS OF MUSIC AND LAUGHTER AS PUBS ARE PASSED.

MITCH Shove your hands in your pockets and slouch. Lean forward a bit so you just look like a fat git…WHAT? I’m only trying to help.

CARL Shut up. Let’s get this over with, I’m going to the chemist for-

MITCH (INTERRUPTING) WHAT? Don’t grab me like that! You’re hurting me-

CARL (INTERRUPTING) Look! Over there!

MITCH What…? What am I looking at? Stop pulling at me.

CARL Over there! Lewis’ window!

MITCH Oh, I see. The blue satin with the bow or the sparkly black mini? I think the blue will set your eyes- [off nicely.]

CARL (INTERRUPTING) No, no! The girl with the long black hair. Is that her, Mitch? The one you were with last night?

MITCH Let go of my arm and I’ll tell you… Yeah, I think I-

CARL (INTERRUPTING) Come on then. What are you waiting for?

MITCH Carl! Wait…Careful…Look out…

FX BRAKING CARS, HORNS, CURSING DRIVERS

GIRL What the hell do you think you’re doing?! Get your hands off me!

CARL Hang on a minute, please? Were you in ‘Legends’ last night? Please, you’ve got to help me!

FX FOOTSTEPS AS MITCH ARRIVES

MITCH Carl! Listen to me. I’m wrong. I thought it was her, but she’s not the one-

GIRL (INTERRUPTING) You made that apparent! Last night when you went to buy me a drink and didn’t come back? Tosser!
MITCH I got waylaid, ok? Sorry, but-

GIRL (INTERRUPTING) Waylaid? You didn’t get WAYlaid; you went off to GET laid! What’s wrong with you lot; talking to us too challenging?

CARL Look I’ll sort him out, don’t worry…Come on, Mitch!

FX MITCH AND CARL’S FOOTSTEPS ARE HEARD HURRYING AWAY FROM THE SCENE. IN THE BACKGROUND THE GIRL IS HEARD SHOUTING.

GIRL Dick-heads!

FX Scene 5 – Evening – Int. MITCH’S HOUSE
TV SHOW “TOP GEAR” IS HEARD UNDER DIALOGUE THROUGHOUT.

CARL If I stand with my arms in the air and swivel, can you wrap them around me; tightly enough to squash my…err, chest?

MITCH Think so. Get your shirt off.

CARL (RELUCTANTLY) Yeah… In a minute… Beer first?

FX FRIDGE OPENING AND CLOSING AND CANS BEING OPENED.

MITCH Oh, cheers… and for bailing me out earlier, by the way.

CARL Did you just leave her sitting? That girl, I mean?

MITCH Course I did! I was getting nowhere fast and, hey! So many women, so little time… What..? Don’t go all soft on me.
CARL Can see why she was pissed off.

MITCH What is this? Female solidarity? A few days ago you’d have done exactly the same, only quicker. What is it the lads say about you and a frog – if you could stop it hopping?

FX VERY SHORT PAUSE DURING WHICH, TOP GEAR’S HOST, JEREMY CLARKSON, IS HEARD SCREAMING ENTHUSIASTICALLY ABOUT CARS

CARL Do you really want to watch this?

MITCH (SARCASTICALLY) Ooooh no! Let’s watch Trinny and Susanna!! Better still, ‘10 years Younger’ is on the other side… Shut up!

CARL ‘Spose we’d better try the bandages?

MITCH Yeah… Get ‘em out for the lads then!

FX Scene 6 – Ext. LATER SAME EVENING – KITCHEN
FOOD BEING DISHED UP AND PLATES BEING PUT ON THE TABLE.

MITCH Smells good. I’m starving, all that sea air! C’mon Carl? You’ve got to eat!

FX SOUND OF PLATE BEING PUSHED AWAY.

CARL Not hungry.

MITCH You’ve hardly touched it. What’s wrong…Ha, apart from the obvious, that is?

CARL Dunno. Just feel a bit queer.

FX CHAIR SCRAPING WHEN PUSHED BACK FROM TABLE.

MITCH Steady! I never said a word!

CARL Oh God! What am I going to do? I can’t go into work like this.
MITCH Ring in sick; tell them you’ve got a bug or something.

CARL Will you ring up for me? I feel crap. Stomach’s killing me.

MITCH Ache? Or pains?

CARL Spasms. Not felt anything like this before…
MITCH Oh, Carl mate! You haven’t got the curse, have you?

CARL Course I’ve got a curse! I don’t usually have 42” pecs and a craving for Babycham!

MITCH No, not A curse, THE curse…

FX CUTLERY DROPPING ON PLATE AND GASPS OF HORROR.

FX THE FOLLOWING TWO LINES ARE SPOKEN TOGETHER

MITCH OH, MY GOD!!!!
CARL OH, MY GOD!!!!

MITCH I’ll go and ring work for you.

FX DOOR OPENING AND MUMBLED TELEPHONE CALL BEING MADE. “CARL ROBERTS WON’T BE IN TO WORK NEXT WEEK, HE’S NOT HIMSELF…”

CARL (GROANING)Ooooh!

MITCH All done.

CARL Ooh…argh…cheers.

MITCH Wish I could have all week off as well.

CARL I’d swap. This is agony.

MITCH I’ll get you a hot water bottle.

CARL I’m not bloody cold, I’ve got cramps!

MITCH I know… My mum always had a hot-bot when she had the…

CARL All right, all right! Just get the bloody thing!

FX ELECTRIC KETTLE BOILS AND CLICKS OFF. WATER POURING. RUBBER STOPPER SQUEAKS.

MITCH Oh yes! The hot-bot was my early warning system for her monthly bout of Tourette’s! (ENTERING LOUNGE) There you are, cuddle that.

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